For many years, if not most of my life, I lived with self-hatred. For years I could not forgive myself for my past, my actions, my behaviors, my choices, but most of all, how many people I have hurt through the years, especially my mother. The pain I put my family through, the many tears shed on my behalf and the feelings of helplessness my loved ones must have gone through seeing me destroy my life. It still hurts to think about it. I couldn’t understand why I kept doing the things I was doing, even though I really wanted to change my life. I grew deeper and deeper into confusion, depression, and self-hatred. Why was I like this? How did I get to be such a horrible person? The “why” questions would consume me. I gave up on myself. I gave into the devil’s lies.
The devil had me believing for years that the way to show remorse to my family was to remain guilty and ashamed. If I showed happiness of any kind it shows my family that I don’t care. I didn’t have a right to happiness and peace. I believed the lie that feeling guilty showed my family that I loved them and felt bad about everything I did to them.
One night when I was four months sober, I finally forgave myself for all I’ve done. I had been in active addition my whole adult life. I truly, honestly and wholeheartedly forgave myself. I was praying and crying out to God that night because I was in distress from my ex-boyfriend being verbally abusive and screaming throughout the house. I was locked in my bedroom and cried and prayed for him to stop. The Lord spoke to me about forgiving myself, even though that wasn’t what I was praying for specifically. He said,
“Who are you to not forgive yourself when I, the Almighty God, have forgiven you long ago! Don’t you trust Me? I know your heart. I know all you are. I know who you are. You will not grow in Christ if you keep hanging on to your past and allowing abuse to stay in your life. I love you. Your family loves you. They have forgiven you too so why aren’t you forgiving yourself? It’s okay. You can let go now, and let go of this relationship. I know your heart and you are my beautiful child and I love you. You are not that person anymore when you were using. You never were. You just lost your way for a while. Forgive yourself. Allow Me to direct your path from now on. Obey Me and trust Me. You can let go now.”
My body suddenly became very warm and an overwhelming peace came over me. My scalp tingled and I took a deep breath. I felt a sudden sense of freedom and calmness. I stopped crying and reflected on what just happened to me. It felt like the Holy Spirit filled my entire being. I was calm. I could breathe. All while my ex was still screaming and yelling outside my door. I was still. I had a breakthrough. I was free.