“For we must all stand before Christ to be judged. We will each receive whatever we deserve for the good or evil we have done in our bodies.” (2 Corinthians 5:10)
I am having to deal with a consequence from my past actions. I like to refer to this time in my life as the “second half of my life”. The first half of my life had many joys and sorrows, and many, many negative consequences. The second part of my life is just now beginning. I am literally starting over in life. Starting over and nearly 50 years old is not easy, but certainly very humbling. There are currently things in my life that God is healing me from. It takes time. So long as I am obedient to His Word, the worry and fear will disappear.
God’s Word tells us that if we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us of those sins. Where would I be without His amazing grace and love? Probably still in the gutter. Where would I be without His mercy? Probably still in the throws of my addictions. God is my everything and without Him I am nothing. I know that now.
I love helping people. I would rather go without if it meant it could help someone in need. I want to bring value to a person’s life no matter how destitute. I want them to know they are loved and they matter. This is an attitude totally opposite of how I once lived my life. Living the life of an addict consists of what I want, when I want and how I want it. By the grace of God, I’m not living my life like this anymore, one day at a time.
But I have a problem.
I am not able to go into any type of nursing or caregiving field because of a charge on my record. It’s a charge that cannot be expunged and this will follow me my whole life. It doesn’t matter that I turned my life around. So an entire field of study is out of the question for me. I’m reaping what I sow, and it hurts.
So here I am again, going through a test. I’m so tired of tests! But it’s my own doing. It’s a hard lesson. Peter writes a wonderful passage in 2 Peter 1:5-8,
“So make every effort to apply the benefits of these promises to your life. Then your faith will produce a life of moral excellence. A life of moral excellence leads to knowing God better. Knowing God leads to self-control. Self-control leads to patient endurance and patient endurance leads to godliness. Godliness leads to love for other Christians, and finally you will become productive and useful in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.”
I want to be productive and useful in some way. I’m not able to do it in the manner I wanted but I put my faith and trust in Him that He will make all things come together for good. It’s what God wants now, not what I want. I just hope I can pass the test this time.